Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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