Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
