When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize