im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
