Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
