they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
