Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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