oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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