need another drink. this is the easiest way
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
