at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
