I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
