It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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