dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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