Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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