i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
