3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can i not drive my cunt home
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
