1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
