I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
