I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
