Moan for me like Helen Keller
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
