Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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