You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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