Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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