he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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