Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
