I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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