this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
