I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
