I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize