im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
