I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
