Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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