Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm jealous of your bromance
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
