i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
