Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
too bad you live with your parents still
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
