apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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