Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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