weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
