woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize