Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think my moral compass just broke
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
