I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
