why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
