bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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