i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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