I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
