I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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