hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
