I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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