while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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