I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
