I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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