I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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