Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
