i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
