Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
