this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize