moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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