I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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