Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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