K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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