so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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