why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
