No stitches, just platelets and will power
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
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