I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
