I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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