Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
