roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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