did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
