So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
