Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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