i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize