I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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