do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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