I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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